THE SUBJECTIVE NATURE OF MEMORY AND THE YELLOW POWER RANGER

Turns out the one year anniversary of my blog came and went at the end of May. As a belated celebration of that I thought i would repost my first ever post. Here it is below in it’s unedited glory.

The Subjective Nature of Memory

Memory is subjective, how can it not be? It’s only natural that we look back at moments in our past with the benefit of hindsight, only natural to analyse events from childhood now that we’ve seen a bit more of the world, came to understand the way in which it spins. I do this, I look back trying to find meaning, or signs, or clues as to who I am and why I am the way I am. Hell I probably do it too much and I’m probably not the only one. The problem is I don’t trust myself, am I looking for patterns where none exist? Can I add Apophenia to my list of personality traits? I’ve recently come to accept… no that’s not right. I’m beginning to accept that there is a very real and very big part of me that might want to be a woman. On and off from early childhood I have dabbled in cross-dressing. Something until recently I have felt shame in and something I still continue to keep secrete from my closest friends and family. Over the past few weeks I have been doing what research I can in to transgender people, this has been though blogs, support websites, and information via the NHS. Not all, but many or these website with peoples’ own accounts of their transition share a common theme, that deep down they have always known that their biological gender didn’t match their gender identity. When I search through the annals of my past there are certain signs that seem to suggest I might wish to be a woman. Another common theme that keeps reoccurring is that ‘you wouldn’t be reading this if you weren’t in someway confused or struggling with your own gender identity.’ That much I agree with, I do have things I need to work out. My fear is that like the hypercondriac who goes online with the common cold only to discover they’ve got the bubonic plague, I’m seeing a transsexual when there’s only a cross dresser. Am I trying to find signs that I want to be a woman, when none are there? Even if there aren’t signs, does the fact that I looking mean I want to be a woman regardless of their existence? In my mind there are signs and maybe that’s all that matters, maybe what these events actually mean is irrelevant, maybe all that matters is my subjective view them? But, if this is true then why do I remain so unsure? I have some theories that I’ll get to in a bit, first the signs.

Sign One: An Ugly Brown Skirt

I still remember the first time I dressed in girls clothing; I was about 5 years old. It was summer, the sun was shining and my mother was in the living room watching television. I was in her bedroom and putting on what I now consider to be a rather ugly skirt (It was chequered with different shades of brown. (I’m sure it was very fashionable at one point…)) From what I remember I didn’t think there was anything wrong with this, it was fun, all little boys like to play dress up right? By the end of the game, I was wearing:

  • An ugly brown skirt
  • A bra stuffed with socks
  • A blouse
  • Tights
  • A pair of heels
  • Makeup (which if I remember correctly was basically lipstick and my eyes lids coloured in (outside the lines) with eye shadow… maybe some blusher).

I was pleased with the results, (though I imagine if I seen a photo of it now it would have an adorable cringe worthy quality to it) and went down stairs to show my mother. I don’t remember how I expected her to react, but I assume from the fact that I was going to show at all that I thought she’d be happy about it. When she first saw me she laughed, I was devastated and my confidence took a blow (in hindsight I understand that her reaction was natural, at the time I didn’t). Then, once she seen the mess I had made of her bedroom and makeup she was angry (which again in hindsight I understand). All I remember from what happened next are feelings of shame and embarrassment as my mother spanked me and angrily washed my face at the bathroom sink until it was red and raw, telling me that I boys don’t do that. To date she is the only person who has seen me dressed as a girl (well apart from one drunken night in university when I put on a dress to try and cheer up a friend, but I don’t think that’s important) and if I think about it, this is probably where my current insecurities about cross dressing stem.

Sign Two: The Yellow Power Ranger

Zyu-yellowI frickin’ loved the Power Rangers as a child, and not your Dino-Thunder-Truck or whatever Power Rangers you get today, but the proper old school Might Morphing Power Rangers. Much of my childhood was spent with my friends Paul and Matthew play fighting and jumping off walls shouting ‘go, go Power Ranger kick!’ (It makes it more powerful) During this game we all had our pre-assigned Power Ranger, I was Billy, the blue Power Ranger (because I wear glasses), but I wanted to be Trina the Yellow Power Ranger and I spent weeks agonising over weather or not to admit this to my friends. (It was a massive deal for me at the time, ok.) At that age all I understood was that I enjoyed it better when I pretended to be one of the girl Power Rangers, it somehow felt more natural. Even though being the Yellow Ranger felt right to me and was what I wanted to do, I knew I shouldn’t tell my friends. After much soul searching I felt I had too. So when I final did, during school lunch, their reaction was as you would have expected from young children, they didn’t understand, thought it was stupid and made fun of me. As silly as I think the whole thing is now at the time in was quite the damaging blow to our friendship and has left me with many questions. For instance, are my issues with the Power Rangers some sort of parable with my current situation? Am I living as the Blue Power Ranger when I should be living as the Yellow? What exactly was Zordon?* And is it possible to have a homosexual robot?

Sign Three: Wishing and Praying

For all I know it was nothing that set it off, I honestly can’t remember. What I do remember is lying awake one night in tears wishing and praying to God that when I woke up in the morning, I would be a girl. This is something I remember happening periodically throughout my childhood.

Sign Four: Teenage Dreams

As a teenager I again started wearing tights, high heel and trying on my mothers makeup and nail polish whenever she worked the night shift. What I write next I do so because I want to give an honest account of my experiences and it would be remise of me to omit that from then and to this day there is an element of arousal when I dress as a girl. It is also during this time that I started fantasising about being a girl and getting to go clothes and makeup shopping.

Sign Five: Boobs

Simply put I feel like I should have breasts and at times it kind of feels like I have phantom breasts. I don’t how else to describe it other than I sometimes have the mild sensation that I already have them. I believe that if I were to wake up in the morning with them, it would feel natural.

Sign Six: Sex (Geez, try saying that three times fast)

In the past, because of my cross-dressing I have questioned my sexuality and the truth of it plainly is that I am not attracted to men, I’m attracted to women. Though I have in the past kissed several men, it did nothing for me, negative or positive. What does confuse me is this (and this may be something, like the rest of this post that I’m reading too much in to). I feel uncomfortable having sex with women, don’t get me wrong I attracted to them and get aroused, it just feels a little weird. I’m beginning to wonder if what I thought was sexual attraction is in fact some mix between wanting to be with a girl and wanting to be a girl. I still need to figure this one out. Also when I masturbate, on occasion I fantasise that rather than having my penis pulled, I instead have a vagina and am pleasuring myself. This leads me to wonder that if I had a vagina, would I find sex less weird?

Sign Seven: The Question

If someone was to tell that if I wanted to they could make it so when I wake up in the morning I could be a biological woman. There is not a shadow of a doubt in my mind that I wouldn’t say yes.

Sign Eight: Rereading Signs One Through Seven

This one seems pretty obvious.

Remaining Unsure

I think a lot of the shame and embarrassment I feel when dressing as woman stems from negative childhood experiences and to a certain degree the negative stigma attached to transgendered people by the wider public. Although it is something that if were confronted with by a friend or someone else, I honestly wouldn’t care and would be supportive. A useful way for me to help explaining my feelings on the subject is this. When my flatmate invites me to a party one of his friends is having (who I don’t know) I always feel like it would be weird if I were to go. While at the same time if the situation was reversed and a friend of mine brought a friend to party who I didn’t know, I wouldn’t mind. This is how I assume most people feel and would also be how my flatmates friend would feel. The same is true for me in regards to transsexual people. If other people are transsexual and they’re happy, then I’m happy for them. It’s my own transsexual status I have a problem with.

My other main problem is that I have quite masculine features -I have quite the chiselled jaw- and if that last statement wasn’t vain enough, I only want to be a girl if I can be a pretty one. I’m sure this is a common concert but if I’m going to live as a woman I don’t want people to be able to tell I was born a man. Basically I want to be able to pass and I’m not sure if I can. The fear of people being able to tell and saying something to me is more distressing that I know how to describe. The initial hump of first presenting myself as a women to my friends (assuming I come out) is also quite daunting, I’m scared because I know like my mother they’re going laugh. Realistically I would also need to ask my female friends for help, cause as it stands I’m kinda awful at putting on makeup (though I’m going to keep practicing on my own) and I’m quite a proud person who doesn’t like asking for help.

As much as the signs may seem to suggest that I want to be woman, the truth is I still don’t know deep down if it’s true and maybe I never will. Maybe my insecurities and fear are putting me off. Maybe it is just some weird sexual thing. I don’t know. All I know for sure is that I have a lot of things to work out, and that my next step will be to get a referral to a Gender Identity Clinic. Whatever happens I going to keep on writing this blog and if someone other than me as read this stupidly long post to this point, thank you. The thought offers me comfort. In the meantime my life will go as normal, and for the moment at least I’m happy to be Keira in private. Again, thank you for reading.

Keira

*I googled it once I finish writing this post. Turns out he’s Zordon of Eltar, a wise galactic sage who fought for the side of good against the forces of evil.

Still no word on homosexual robots.

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Job & New Flat

So clearly I haven’t been updating as often as I use too, but not to fear it isn’t for bad reasons I’ve just been super busy. Near the end of April I took a new job as the Communications Officer for a National Charity (I’ll not say which as it would make it remarkably easy to find out who I am). I’ve mentioned this before, but didn’t really go in to much detail.

I’d spent a few months being out of work and it was horrible, just for the shear boredom alone. For me, not having a job really affected myself esteem and self worth. One of the most difficult parts of job hunting was holding out for a job I actually wanted, instead of taking the first one that came along. Not to brag but I’m a little impressed with myself that I had the enough faith in my desire for a better life that I held out.

The job is going really well, well as well as can be expected. I enjoy the work and again not to brag I’m actually sort of good at it. I ran my first campaign for the charity and it was a huge success dwarfing anything they had had before. So I got major brownie points with my boss for that.

Speaking of my boss, (and I imagine this is true of everyone’s) but she’s a strange one. She likes to micro-manage and see everyone else work instead of getting on with her own. Which I guess would fine, but it’s to the extent that if I write one word on a page, she’ll change it to something else. The hardest part of my day is normally convincing my boss to try things my way. Hopefully that will be a little bit easier now that my first campaign has been so successful. My only gripe is that although I enjoy the work, it doesn’t excite me. Perhaps I ask for too much to have a job that I not only enjoy but excites me?

I’ve also just moved flat, I now live on my own, which if the last two days is anything to go by will allow me a hella lot more Keira time. I’ve spent the last two days in full-blown girl mode (I took a week off work to move), which has been bliss. I no longer have to worry about friends randomly showing up and can instead just relax and enjoy the time. Since I’m also working full-time I can now afford to buy stuff. Yay!

Below are the new clothes I treated myself to; they’re all from New Look. I’m happy with most of them, except for one.

I really like this dress, and personal I think I looks really nice on me (at least from the head down).

I really like this dress, and personally I think I looks really nice on me (at least from the head down). Though whenever I see myself in the mirror I do feel the need to pull my shoulders back and suck in my gut. Which is odd for me, because I’ve never been fat, in fact I’ve always been too skinny. This dress makes it look like I’ve got a fat tummy and I do not care for that. 

The skirt I love, the white crop top... not so much. When I ordered it, I didn't realise it would be quite so small and quite so see-though when on. Once again we have the perils of shopping online. I had I seen the top in the shop before hand I never would got it.

The skirt I love, the white crop top… not so much. When I ordered it, I didn’t realise it would be quite so small and quite so see-though when on. Once again we have the perils of shopping online. Had I seen the top in the shop before hand I never would got it.

Yeah the t-shirt i like. I really needed/need some more casual stuff. The t-shirt goes really well with my skinny jeans and a pair of pink Rocket Dogs I have.

Yeah the t-shirt i like. I really needed/need some more casual stuff. The t-shirt goes really well with my skinny jeans and a pair of pink Rocket Dogs I have.

One of the main perks of living on my own is not having to hide everything away when I done. Want to leave some make-up out in my bedroom? Not a problem. Cant be bothered hanging my clothes in the wardrobe? The floor is fine.

I was lucky to get a really good deal on the flat I moved in to. Basically it belongs to a friend of mine and he’s only charging me enough to cover his mortgage. I had looked one-bedroom flats and the ones that weren’t complete shit holes cost about £390 PCM and my friend is charging me £400 PCM for a two bedroom. So yeah win for Keira.

Any-who that’s what’s been going on with me. I’m going to get back to enjoying the next few days in full-on girl mode.

Ups & Downs

Ok guys, so I had a bit of mixed weekend. My flatmate left on Friday to go visit his girlfriend and isn’t back until tomorrow morning. So this weekend was the first time in ages that I’ve had any extended girl time. I’d been really looking forward to just spending the whole weekend as girl me. On Friday I spent ages getting ready – painting my nails, doing my make up and stuff like that – and it was nice and relaxing and I felt really good. After a while though I’d start feeling really stupid. I’d just end up sitting there on the sofa wearing makeup in a dress with a bra stuffed with socks and think “[boy name] what the fuck are you doing? This is ridiculous”.  I’d get really paranoid and nervous that someone would come to the flat and I’d caught. So I’d take off all my make up and whatnot and go back to boy mode. I went back and forth like that a lot over the weekend. Sunday was the only day where I spent all day in girl mode. Sunday ironically was also the only day over the weekend  when my friends tried to contact me. I ignored multiple facetimes, phones call and text messages from a close friend and his girlfriend who wanted me to go to there’s for dinner just so I could spent the day as girl me.

It’s weird I know I’m not ready to come out and begin properly transitioning but at the same time it bugs me that I’m having to choose between hanging out with my friends and being a girl. Plus I get super bored just being in the flat on my own.

I’m guessing it comes down to fully excepting myself as a woman. I’m also guess that a lot of you also had similar experiences when beginning your journey. So any tips or advice on how you came to deal with it or got over nerves/paranoia would be really appreciated.

At this moment in time I’m just really feeling the need to have someone that understands, someone I can vent to. I’m very needy like that, I often just need someone to listen and tell me everything is going to be alright.

Thanks for reading/listening

Love Keira x

Just a Teeny Tiny Update as to me and What I’ve Been Doing

This blog may be slowly morphing into more of a personal blog rather than a trans blog, but hey I guess that isn’t necessarily a bad thing, after all surly everything doesn’t need to be all trans all the time?

Trans wise things for me are at a bit of standstill, and to be honest I’m ok with that. Sure I would enjoy more Keira time, but I’m getting enough right now to keep me content. I guess I kind of feel like I’ve set it a routine with my Keira time, it’s like it has became a well-oiled machine. I’m hoping (money permitting) to get a flat of my own come the end of June. If that happens it will greatly increase my Keira time. As basically most nights when I finish work I’ll be able to go full girl mode. I’m really looking forward to it.

Other than that, there have been some exciting developments in my life. I’ve finally re-joined the land of gainful employment. I’m going to me the communications officer for a UK based charity. And I can’t tell how nice it feels not only to have a job again, but to also have one that I’m genuinely interested in. It really makes all the difference. I’m now also a film and theatre critic for an online arts magazine, which is awesome as get to go the theatre for free and get screeners of new films months before their DVD release. Which would be awesome on it’s own, but I also really love getting to write about them. Hand on my heart, I just love to write.

The thing I’m most excited about by having a job again is that I’ll actually be able to buy new clothes and make-up. Fun times. Though my latest paycheque has been taken up an impromptu trip home at the end of the month for a relative’s 50th birthday.

Any-who this was just a quick update and hope all you guys are doing well!

Love

Keira x

Just a Little Update

Hi all, this is more of a non-post than anything else. I just thought I should post something as I hadn’t in a while; just to let you all know that I’m still kicking about and doing my thang. Truth me told I haven’t posted anything because nothing has really changed. Keira is still having the odd weekend to herself when allowed. I should have the flat to myself all next weekend so I’m looking forward to that. I haven’t had the chance to buy any new stuff either, as funds have been a bit low. So I’ve been avoiding browsing online (mostly…) and making due with what I’ve already got. Other than that, I’ve been writing like crazy the past week or so and may have inadvertently started writing a book. I’ve also been applying for jobs like crazy too, as not having one is starting to take its toll. Not just finically, but emotionally; my self worth has been taking a bit of nosedive. I really don’t understand how people can handle being unemployed, It’s boring as shit.

I’ve also got a few review gigs on the go and will be reviewing my first theatre show tonight, so wish me luck.

Any-who just wanted to check in and I hope all of you guys are doing all right.

Keira x.

A Best Friend and Driving in Russia

So no doubt many if not all have you have heard about the draconian law recently passed in good old mother Russia that bans transgender people from holding a driving licence. Well I thankfully don’t live in Russia regardless of the fact that I can’t actually drive.

Last night I was on my way with my flatmate and his girlfriend to another friends house for a few drinks (yay the student lifestyle where it’s socially acceptably to get a little drunk on a Sunday night) when we inexplicably got on to the topic of Russia’s trans driving ban. Needless to say we where all against it and thought it was pretty stupid. The subject moved on to how the law covers anyone with a mental health issues, (geez even writing that made me a little angry, I currently fighting the urge not to make this post a little bit ranty) when my flatmate and best friend said that “this isn’t going to be popular opinion, but transsexuals will find any reason to be depressed. Even if they didn’t want to live as the opposite sex they’d still find a reason to be depressed.” I can’t describe how hurt I was by this, I mean yeah he doesn’t know I’m trans, but he does know that on occasion I suffer from depression. I mean this guy is my best friend one day I’m potentially going to have to tell him that I want to live openly as a woman. This was a bit of knockback, just the thought that he finds the whole thing a bit stupid. I’m even a little bit upset with myself that I didn’t say anything, that I didn’t defend myself and trans people everywhere. But at that moment I was just more scared that if I did say anything he’d know I was trans. Which is stupid itself, I mean why would he? I guess I’m just a bit annoyed that I let my fear get the better of me. Who knows, I’m sure he’d act differently if he knew I was trans. Maybe this goes to show the importance of education on trans issues.

WP_20150112_001On a more positive note I kickass at Cards Against Humanity, which I think either makes me funny or a terrible person… maybe both.

New Clothes and Melting

So huzza, my flatmate went home on Tuesday and isn’t back until Friday, so guess who gets to girl out for the next few days? That’s right, me! So I’m very happy. My clothes arrived on Tuesday and my makeup arrived on Wednesday albeit in three different deliveries even though they were all from the same place. So that was a little annoying cause it ate in to Keira time. Turns out that I’m even too scared to let deliverymen see me in girls clothes. So that’s something I’m going to have to work on. Thought I was quite relieved that I wasn’t girl-ing out as two workmen arrived to fit heat detectors, which took about an hour so I’m quite glad I wasn’t in girl mode, as that would have been a little too stressful for me to handle. So I mentioned in my last post that applied fake nail and that they drastically slowed down my typing speed a frustrating amount. Well good news, I’m still wearing them as I write this. Turns out I just needed a bit of practice.

So the new additions to my wardrobe, I’m happy with some and a little disappointed with others, but I guess you’re always going to run that risk when you buy stuff online and can’t try them on first.

I've wanted a pair of red heels for ages and now I finally have some!

I’ve wanted a pair of red heels for ages and now I finally have some!

I just cropped this photo from the website as I'm currently wearing them and couldn't be bothered taking them off for a picture. I really like how they look on and the fit well.

I just cropped this photo from the website as I’m currently wearing them and couldn’t be bothered taking them off for a picture. I really like how they look on and the fit well.

Yeah, I'm quite disappointed with these leggings, they don't fit very well, the glossy material fits very loosely which I don't like.

Yeah, I’m quite disappointed with these leggings, they don’t fit very well, the glossy material fits very loosely which I don’t like.

WP_20150108_002

I really like this top, I normally don’t wear stuff that is as open at the top as i have a semi-hairy chest. But guess who shaved, ’twas me! And I have to say that in my opinion it is much nicer being hairless. I going to have to invest in a proper razor.

I'm a bit hit or miss with this top, I do like it, but when i bought it i though it would go with the black top, but it doesn't really. I do think it could look nice on me if I had the right thing to wear it with. Anyone have any suggestions?

I’m a bit hit or miss with this top, I do like it, but when i bought it i though it would go with the black top, but it doesn’t really. I do think it could look nice on me if I had the right thing to wear it with. Anyone have any suggestions?

I also got a few other smaller things such as makeup brushes and foundation. I was quite looking forward to the new foundation. I’ve been wanting to try contouring for a while now and you need foundation that’s a shade lighter than your skin and a shade darker. Turns out though that darker shade I bought is actually like the perfect tone for my skin, so the contouring won’t really work. On the plus side though the darker foundation looks really good on my skin on its own so I’m pleased with that.

I know how un-practical fake nails are, but my god do I love them, I can’t stop looking at hands. I know come Friday I’m going to hate having to take them off. That’s of course if I can get them off, I’m a little worried that I’ve stuck them on a little bit too well. I didn’t think it would be that big a problem as on several occasion I’ve heard other girls complaining about how easily they fall off. I guess worst-case scenario (if worst is the right word) is that I’ll be having a conversation with my flatmate about my trans status. Which who know may be a good thing, I guess I’ll find out on Friday.

Any-who I’m just enjoying getting to be Keira, I’ve said it before but it really is crazy how much happier, content and relaxed I feel when I get to me Keira. It’s like something inside me just melts I’m planning to enjoy it as much as I can, because I know the Keira withdrawal is going to be pretty bad this time.

Peach out guys

Keira xxx

Fake Nails and Typing

So my plan was for this evening was to write a post about all the new stuff I got and what happened to me today. However i decided to try out fake nails and they slow down my typing to the point where it’s frustrating. So I’m just going to wait until I take them off on Friday. On the plus side they look fantastic! They are very much a novelty, but I’m enjoying them.

WP_20150107_004

Lingering Sentiment from the New Year

Perhaps it’s lingering sentiment from the New Year, but I’m feeling pretty confident that 2015 is going to be my year. It’s very cliché, I know, but I’m feeling positive and that’s after spending 6 days at home, which always ends in me feeling a little down. Nothing bad ever happens my family just stress me out and not because they do anything wrong. It’s really related to my own hang-ups and how I’ve always sort of felt like the black sheep in the family, like I don’t fit in.

Any-who on a more fun/upbeat note I got a bit of money for Christmas and I’ve decided to treat myself and buy some new clothes and a pair of shoes. I’m excited about it all, but I’ve wanted a pair of red heels for ages and I’ve finally found a pair I like and can afford, so yay. I’ve also so ordered some more make up, I’ve been looking at contouring a lot online and decided that I’m going to give it a try. It feels like the next step, as I’ve gotten quite bold with the amount of make up I’m wearing in my daily life. It’s progressed from clear mascara and some concealer under my eyes to that plus a light amount of foundation everyday. I wouldn’t say wearing make up everyday makes me look more feminine, but it does make me feel more feminine. I’m hoping that contouring (if I can get good at it) will allow me to see a notable change in my appearance.

My flatmate is talking about going home this coming week, and obviously I hope he does, just so I can get a bit of Keira time, especially since I have clothes arriving on Tuesday. Needless to say, I’m going to want play about with my new additions to my wardrobe. WP_20150104_001Between clothes, shoes and make up I now understand why girls’ rooms tend to be so cluttered, we really do need a lot of stuff and it all takes up space. I’ve had to do a bit of rearranging to make it more practical. After all since I’m wearing make up everyday now, it was getting a bit annoying always have to get in out of the box in my wardrobe. So it has now been moved the much more convenient place of the top drawer of my desk (which you tell by the photo needs a bit of organising). So I guess if you wanted to read too much into it, you could see as an example as to how my life and daily routine are evolving because of Keira.

Any-who thanks for reading and Happy New Year everyone xxx

A Mostly Sleepless Night

It happened again, and had been doing so well. Last night was a pretty rough night for me, I didn’t sleep very well, I was having what I am now going to refer to as Keira withdrawal. My flatmate returned from his visit home yesterday afternoon, which mean Keira had to get put back in the wardrobe. Which in itself is always something that makes me feel a bit shitty, I really do hate having to take off my nice clothes and makeup.

originalAnyway so I couldn’t really sleep last night or get back to sleep after a dream I had. The dream wasn’t even that great, it was basically just me hanging out with a bunch of girls, I was Keira in the dream. I knew the girls I were hanging out with knew I was transgender, even thought they never said anything or cared. In the dream it was me that it bothered because I knew they knew I wasn’t a real girl. Anywho that was the dream and I woke up after it feeling pretty shitty and strangely missing my bra, I missed having my fake breasts on. It feels weird to say, but I just missed having them there, they’re strangely comforting for me. I very nearly got out of bed at one point so I could put them on. Just so I’d be able to sleep in them. I thought it might make me feel better.

This has been the first time in ages I’ve felt like this. I guess it was to be expected after getting to spend the last four days as Keira, I guess it will always be difficult going back to “normal” life.

So, just a short post today detailing my (mostly) sleepless night.

Love K.