Ok guys, so I had a bit of mixed weekend. My flatmate left on Friday to go visit his girlfriend and isn’t back until tomorrow morning. So this weekend was the first time in ages that I’ve had any extended girl time. I’d been really looking forward to just spending the whole weekend as girl me. On Friday I spent ages getting ready – painting my nails, doing my make up and stuff like that – and it was nice and relaxing and I felt really good. After a while though I’d start feeling really stupid. I’d just end up sitting there on the sofa wearing makeup in a dress with a bra stuffed with socks and think “[boy name] what the fuck are you doing? This is ridiculous”. I’d get really paranoid and nervous that someone would come to the flat and I’d caught. So I’d take off all my make up and whatnot and go back to boy mode. I went back and forth like that a lot over the weekend. Sunday was the only day where I spent all day in girl mode. Sunday ironically was also the only day over the weekend when my friends tried to contact me. I ignored multiple facetimes, phones call and text messages from a close friend and his girlfriend who wanted me to go to there’s for dinner just so I could spent the day as girl me.
It’s weird I know I’m not ready to come out and begin properly transitioning but at the same time it bugs me that I’m having to choose between hanging out with my friends and being a girl. Plus I get super bored just being in the flat on my own.
I’m guessing it comes down to fully excepting myself as a woman. I’m also guess that a lot of you also had similar experiences when beginning your journey. So any tips or advice on how you came to deal with it or got over nerves/paranoia would be really appreciated.
At this moment in time I’m just really feeling the need to have someone that understands, someone I can vent to. I’m very needy like that, I often just need someone to listen and tell me everything is going to be alright.
Thanks for reading/listening
Love Keira x