Ups & Downs

Ok guys, so I had a bit of mixed weekend. My flatmate left on Friday to go visit his girlfriend and isn’t back until tomorrow morning. So this weekend was the first time in ages that I’ve had any extended girl time. I’d been really looking forward to just spending the whole weekend as girl me. On Friday I spent ages getting ready – painting my nails, doing my make up and stuff like that – and it was nice and relaxing and I felt really good. After a while though I’d start feeling really stupid. I’d just end up sitting there on the sofa wearing makeup in a dress with a bra stuffed with socks and think “[boy name] what the fuck are you doing? This is ridiculous”.  I’d get really paranoid and nervous that someone would come to the flat and I’d caught. So I’d take off all my make up and whatnot and go back to boy mode. I went back and forth like that a lot over the weekend. Sunday was the only day where I spent all day in girl mode. Sunday ironically was also the only day over the weekend  when my friends tried to contact me. I ignored multiple facetimes, phones call and text messages from a close friend and his girlfriend who wanted me to go to there’s for dinner just so I could spent the day as girl me.

It’s weird I know I’m not ready to come out and begin properly transitioning but at the same time it bugs me that I’m having to choose between hanging out with my friends and being a girl. Plus I get super bored just being in the flat on my own.

I’m guessing it comes down to fully excepting myself as a woman. I’m also guess that a lot of you also had similar experiences when beginning your journey. So any tips or advice on how you came to deal with it or got over nerves/paranoia would be really appreciated.

At this moment in time I’m just really feeling the need to have someone that understands, someone I can vent to. I’m very needy like that, I often just need someone to listen and tell me everything is going to be alright.

Thanks for reading/listening

Love Keira x


15 thoughts on “Ups & Downs

    • I looked a while back for one in my city (it’s a relatively small Scottish city), but i don’t think they’re active anymore. I emailed them and no one replied + the website and facebook page seem pretty dormant. I don’t know, I guess I’m just feeling a bit isolated.

      Thanks for the suggestion though. 🙂

  1. “that a lot of you also had similar experiences when beginning your journey.” Yuuuup! My earlier blogs are often about me agonising about this sort of stuff.

    I’ve had days when I ignored FaceTime calls because I sat there in a dress and didn’t want to have to get changed to answer the phone. So I feel you there!

    To re-cap: the first time I went outside I was terrified. I even backed out half way and just downgraded to an androgynous look. The second time I was certain people were going to call me out, nobody did. The third time I wore a skirt but just a t-shirt and light make-up, I decided to make no effort at passing and I was incredibly relaxed, to my own surprise. Nobody said anything. And the fourth (and currently latest time) I went out in feminine clothes I went full on with a dress and leggings and yet again nobody cared. Here’s something that people told me and I struggled to believe until I went out: nobody cares. Seriously. Nobody gives a crap. Everyone has their own lives and their own problems. Although being trans is painfully personal and a HUGE deal people don’t really have the time to care much. You might get some random asshole who gives you a look, but who cares? Assholes will look no matter what you look like and who wants to live their life appeasing a group of assholes.

    I know this is really unhelpful advice but it’s honestly the best advice I have for this situation: Just do it. Just go outside. Walk down the street, come back. See how it feels. In your mind it’s a much, much bigger deal than it actually is. Also how many people know in your social circle? So far I’m at 100% positive feedback which has blown me away. Again I’m surprised by how many people just simply do not care. Stuff like this which has pushed my comfort zone has a done a lot to make me feel better.

    Oh also: love and respect yourself. Before I even faced up to being trans I would dress up and feel very, very self-conscious of what I was doing and silly. Eventually I just decided to sit down and calmly think through who I was and what I wanted. I meditated on it and then looked in the mirror and looked at myself dead in the face and told myself that I really love who I am. I am trans and that’s okay. In fact, it’s awesome. This is who I am, it’s who I’ll always be. Feeling weird about it is a waste of time so I told myself I needed to embrace it. I’ve never felt silly dressing up since.

    • Thank you for the reply, it’s very comforting to hear. I ‘m such a wimp thought, the thought of going outside absolutely terrifies me. I even get nervous being by a window if the blinds aren’t shut.

      I haven’t told any of my friend or family yet. I don’t feel ready or it feels to much like a commitment. Like if I did this would all become real and i’d actually have to start dealing with it… what probably sounds pretty crazy. That and the fact I don’t want to tell people, yet also want to share it with them.

      • Don’t worry, although it might feel like every trans people is 100% sure of themselves I’m learning that’s really not true. I used to long for the confidence to go outside… at night… in my own garden, yet even that seemed deathly impossible lest anyone look out and somehow spot me. Likewise I struggled with whether I was “trans enough” or not to even call myself transgender never mind transition.

        I can promise you that the more you do, and the more time passes, the more you’ll feel comfortable and the more you’ll be willing to do. Trust me, if I can go out with how nervous I used to be then anyone can!

        I definitely understand not wanting to tell people and make a commitment. I was the same for a while, I felt that it was very possible I would back down so I didn’t want to even picture telling people until I knew this was for real. I eventually went and made a GP appointment to talk about it because as a friend said to me “You don’t have to transition. But you do need to make an appointment and talk to someone” which was dead right. But every step of the way I’ve felt better and more confident that this is right. So here I am, still going, still on my way.

        Good luck!

      • I know I will probably end up doing more. My flat mate graduates at the end on June and will be moving back home. So I’m hoping (if I can afford it) to get a flat on my own. If that happens I’ll be able to be Keira much more of the time.

  2. You must learn that no matter what you do or who you are, you will always be an inconvenience to someone else. That you are an inconvenience is their problem, not yours. At some point you will need to inconvenience your flatmate and everyone else in your life and there is no better time than the present.

  3. There’s no two ways about it – sitting around in a frock and a face full of slap while you watch ‘Pointless’ can make you feel daft! I know – I’ve done exactly what you’ve done more times than I care to remember. But I’ve also found it very therapeutic – you eventually get to the stage where you just accept the normality of it all. I will never transition, (age and circumstances simply rule it out), but my time as Siobhan is hugely important to me whatever I end up doing.

    As to venturing outside, you should as I found it to be really liberating – nerve-wracking at first, but liberating. The first 100 yards from outside your door are the worst bit. And support groups – fine if you’ve got one, use other resources, (like your readers), if you don’t. Never be afraid to ask any of us anything – you’re not alone.

    • Thanks for the reply Siobhan you perfect summed up how I feel. I think I would really benefit from being able to meet other trans people in person – not that you guys aren’t great and lovely, I just think a one to one with someone should really help my confidence issues. I basically think I’d need someone with me. To take me by the hand so to speak.

      Keira x

  4. If you don’t have a local support group, is there anyone else you could confide in? Even just a single friend who you trust can make all the difference. If one friend accepts you, others will too. Your social group could become your support group.

    So the terrifying question is: which friend do you tell? Once you’ve told them, see how thing progress from there. You might be pleasantly surprised!

      • But would they accept you?

        There are many ways coming out can go right – for one thing, you don’t have the burden of hiding any more (and once that pressure’s gone, things perk up considerably); they could be a source of encouragement; you could be a source of information for them if they’ve got questions (and they will); if they’re open-minded they will probably think it’s really cool and that you must have bags of self-confidence; they could be a source of friendly advice; they will appreciate the fact that you trusted them enough to reveal this part of yourself. Those are the positives.

        What’s the worst that could happen? If they laugh at you, or reject you for it – then are you better off with or without them as ‘friends’? Would you risk your life or livelihood by coming out? What would you do in a worst-case scenario?

        Coming out can result in changes for better. If you have a good idea about why you do what you do and where you hope to go with it – if you’ve already answered for yourself the questions that others will ask – that’s a good chunk of the armour you’ll need already sorted. Being honest with yourself and about yourself can be quite empowering – people can’t use who you are as a weapon against you.

        It’s the most nerve-wracking thing, coming out. You don’t know if your friends will still be friends afterwards. It’s a judgement call. Pick the ones who are likeliest to still be friends, no matter what. Then, finally, perhaps the fun can begin?

        Whatever happens, I hope things turn out for the best!

      • I’m sure at least some of them would be accepting, but the truth is at the moment I’m ok with being in the closet. It feels like if I tell people them I’m committing to a life I’m not 100% sure I want.

        I think I’m a weird place that I accept I’m trans, but I just don’t want to be. But I think that’s mainly because of the social stigma that comes with it.

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