Ups & Downs

Ok guys, so I had a bit of mixed weekend. My flatmate left on Friday to go visit his girlfriend and isn’t back until tomorrow morning. So this weekend was the first time in ages that I’ve had any extended girl time. I’d been really looking forward to just spending the whole weekend as girl me. On Friday I spent ages getting ready – painting my nails, doing my make up and stuff like that – and it was nice and relaxing and I felt really good. After a while though I’d start feeling really stupid. I’d just end up sitting there on the sofa wearing makeup in a dress with a bra stuffed with socks and think “[boy name] what the fuck are you doing? This is ridiculous”.  I’d get really paranoid and nervous that someone would come to the flat and I’d caught. So I’d take off all my make up and whatnot and go back to boy mode. I went back and forth like that a lot over the weekend. Sunday was the only day where I spent all day in girl mode. Sunday ironically was also the only day over the weekend  when my friends tried to contact me. I ignored multiple facetimes, phones call and text messages from a close friend and his girlfriend who wanted me to go to there’s for dinner just so I could spent the day as girl me.

It’s weird I know I’m not ready to come out and begin properly transitioning but at the same time it bugs me that I’m having to choose between hanging out with my friends and being a girl. Plus I get super bored just being in the flat on my own.

I’m guessing it comes down to fully excepting myself as a woman. I’m also guess that a lot of you also had similar experiences when beginning your journey. So any tips or advice on how you came to deal with it or got over nerves/paranoia would be really appreciated.

At this moment in time I’m just really feeling the need to have someone that understands, someone I can vent to. I’m very needy like that, I often just need someone to listen and tell me everything is going to be alright.

Thanks for reading/listening

Love Keira x

Just a Teeny Tiny Update as to me and What I’ve Been Doing

This blog may be slowly morphing into more of a personal blog rather than a trans blog, but hey I guess that isn’t necessarily a bad thing, after all surly everything doesn’t need to be all trans all the time?

Trans wise things for me are at a bit of standstill, and to be honest I’m ok with that. Sure I would enjoy more Keira time, but I’m getting enough right now to keep me content. I guess I kind of feel like I’ve set it a routine with my Keira time, it’s like it has became a well-oiled machine. I’m hoping (money permitting) to get a flat of my own come the end of June. If that happens it will greatly increase my Keira time. As basically most nights when I finish work I’ll be able to go full girl mode. I’m really looking forward to it.

Other than that, there have been some exciting developments in my life. I’ve finally re-joined the land of gainful employment. I’m going to me the communications officer for a UK based charity. And I can’t tell how nice it feels not only to have a job again, but to also have one that I’m genuinely interested in. It really makes all the difference. I’m now also a film and theatre critic for an online arts magazine, which is awesome as get to go the theatre for free and get screeners of new films months before their DVD release. Which would be awesome on it’s own, but I also really love getting to write about them. Hand on my heart, I just love to write.

The thing I’m most excited about by having a job again is that I’ll actually be able to buy new clothes and make-up. Fun times. Though my latest paycheque has been taken up an impromptu trip home at the end of the month for a relative’s 50th birthday.

Any-who this was just a quick update and hope all you guys are doing well!

Love

Keira x