Today is the day of the Scottish Referendum (Vote Yes); it is also the day that I was supposed to have my first psychologist appointment, but I didn’t. I’ve expressed in pervious posts that I was considering cancelling the appointment, I guess due to fear, but fear not, this isn’t what happened. About two weeks ago I received a letter informing me that the appointment date had been changed from today to October 10th. At the time I was mildly disappointed by this, but on reflection it has actually worked out quite well. As I’ve said and as I’m sure you know today is the day of the Scottish Referendum in is also the day where I do a bit of work for a local online TV Channel, so needless to say I’m quite busy.
When I first got the appointment it seemed so far away, like some distant thing I didn’t need to worry about, much like the Scottish Referendum. Both sort of snuck up on me. On the plus side I’m no longer considering cancelling it and my nervousness about it has disappeared for now (I’m sure it’ll make a come back closer to the time). While I still haven’t decided if this transitioning is something I want to do, I am looking forward to getting professional advice and perhaps even some answers. They may also be able to help with my periods of recurring depression. Perhaps it’s linked to my transgender nature? Who knows? Though my gut tells me that my periods of depression are something I’m going to have to fight for the rest of my life regardless of transitions or not. Which if I’m honest kinda sucks, it’s very emotionally draining having to fight your own shitty thoughts.
Anywho that’s all for now. I’ll update again soon, maybe at the weekend. I should have the flat to myself Saturday and Sunday and I’m very tempted to buy my first dress.
Ok, so I was nominated for some blogging award thing. If I’m honest I don’t really understand it. I believe the general gist is to thank who nominated you. So Nour and Chaya, thank you. You’re also supposed to nominate other people, I won’t be doing that; I will however share some facts about myself.
- I can solve a Rubik Cube in less than two minutes.
- I can be stubborn to a fault.
- I’ve had some short works published.
- I have a hard time thinking of facts about myself
- I can be quite reclusive at times.
- My ideal home is a small house in the middle of the Scottish Highlands.
- I want to one day be able to make my own furniture.
- I also want to make my own chess set.
- I enjoy working with my hands.
- I have self-destructive tendencies.
- I hide how I really feel in my humour as a defence mechanism, often only being honest with people in a jokey way which causes them to be unsure if I’m being serious or not.
- I have a very dry sense of humour.
- I can whistle and hum at the same time.
Alas the weekend of Keira has receded to the annals of memory. The humdrum existence of the male has returned and in the void of femininity restlessness abides. Desire still prevails like a nervous tick, a nervous itch; the mind becoming a proverbial authority that the strikes the hand of the heart when it reaches for the blusher or polish.
It is often said that our minds work differently, that our brains are wired a different way from others. Perhaps there was a chemical imbalance when developing in the womb, a chemical soaked up by the brain like a sponge. Perhaps they’re right, but my desires don’t come from my mind, they come from my heart. It is it that aches, when the lip-gloss comes off and the shoes get boxed. It is it that aches, not my mind.
Maybe the mind is right to act in the way it does, for thoughts of friends and family finding me in my secret bring a colour to my cheeks that render blusher unnecessary. When an unexpected knock comes at the door it is my mind that makes my heart stop dead, yet beat faster and harder than it has ever done before. It is my mind that causes the hand on the locked front door to paralyse my body as it hides beneath the window, wishing the dear friend to depart and leave me to my shame. It is my mind that tells me to grab the face wipes and change the clothes, while gleefully whispering, “you don’t have time”. So instead I cower beneath that window. Instead I wait for the car door to close and the engine to start. Instead I peek from beneath the blinds hoping to find a vacant space allotted well-wishers. A void.
I’m restless as a write.
I’m restless as I look in the mirror and see what isn’t there.
I’m restless in the night, when I plan her allotted hours.
So when the weekend is over and Keira is put away with rest of her belongings, I’m left with a heart that aches and a mind that askes “what do we do now?” For life isn’t bleaker without her; for life is never truly that. There is always hope. Life isn’t bleaker; it’s just lost some of its taste, some of its colour. Muted and faded life goes on with a restless nervous tick, a restless nervous itch.
I said recently in a post that I am still a little unsure of dresses. I’ve found one that I quite like and have a fairly good idea what I’d wear it with.
I’m thinking this dress, but along with black tights if wearing boots and without if wearing the heels.
Love me some boots
As much as I enjoy wearing heels I think the boots go better with the dress as it’s more of a casual dress than formal/going out one.
If I’ve realised anything this weekend it’s that need/want more clothes as I can basically only wear the few items I own, it kind of limits the looks I can have. So I’ve picked out a few items that are potentially in my price range come payday. Granted I wouldn’t be able to afford them all at once, but perhaps I could gradually pick up a few items over the next few months. All the clothes are from H&M and would seem that I’m quite liking dark and muted colours at the moment. Oh and on a side note (and I hope not to sound to braggy or big headed but I’m really pleased with my figure, If I wear quite slim fitting clothes and (cough, cough stuff a bra) from the shoulders down I totally think I could pass as a girl.
The clothes I’ve picked feel a little boring and safe to me, they’re all quite same-y. I even purposefully skipped over a few things that I really liked because I own similar ones already. Perhaps I need to be a little more adventurous? The trouble is as I’m still in the closet and order all my stuff online it’s not like I can spend a day shopping and trying on things I wouldn’t usually buy. Maybe I just already have a style and know what I like. I’ve decided that I really like tank tops, but only with a cardigan or something over the top. I feel quite exposed with my arms bare, maybe it’s just because I’m not use to it, or because part of me still feels quite vulnerable when I dress as a girl. I find myself pulling my cardigan around me when I go in to the kitchen as the blinds don’t shut and I’m paranoid one of the neighbours will see me. It feels less obvious that I’m wearing girl clothes when I do this for some reason.
I’ve also been playing around with makeup again, I still don’t own a lot nor am I particular good at applying it (really don’t have the hand eye coordination for eye liner) but I can see a bit of a girl starting to come out. All in all, that coupled with the figure thing, I’m feeling pretty happy with myself.
Anywho here are some of the items I picked out.
For those days when you just have to be a French Mime. I really like tops with long sleeves and a low cut waist. I actually have a guys leather jacket that absolutely love that is designed the same way, i.e. long sleeves, short waist. I think i’ve always liked it so much because that’s a style I associate with girls and is something guy me can wear without getting strange looks.
I’m still a little unsure of dresses and what would suit me, but I really like this.
I also like long dangly things that kind of just flow around you and this looks like it would so comfortable just to curl of the sofa and relax in.
This isn’t a dig at anyone on here, I love it when you guys comment on my stuff. You are all always really supportive.
This is a dig at people who comment below TV shows I watch and really don’t know what they are talking about. I know I shouldn’t read the comments, but I can’t help myself. I think it’s similar to people who hate watch a TV show.
It’s the big buttons that make me love this.
Love the pocket zippers and the fact this this is a total rock chick look.