Ok, so it’s the first day of my weekend/next few days of having the flat to myself and I have to say it feels really good. For the first time in ages I’ve been able to go full girl-mode and I can only describe my mood as content and comfortable. I feel genuinely happy for the first time in several weeks. All this is quite a change from a few hours ago, and all it took was some beauty products, skinny jeans, a pink tank top and (cough, cough a bra stuffed with toilet roll). I’ve mentioned before about how I was contemplating cancelling my psychologist appointment (which coincidentally is the same day as the vote on Scottish Independence (Vote Yes!)) and how I’ve been having doubts as to whether or not I want to live my life as a woman. I had even planned to post on a different topic today about a short film I recently watched – but I’ll get to that in a bit. The way I’m feeling right now has only reaffirmed my need to see the psychologist, the thought that wouldn’t it be nice if this could just be me all the time? The thought feels like one of those daydreams of your future that you don’t really expect to happen. I still have all my other apprehensions, but for the moment I’m enjoying the daydream.
I guess it’s a little weird just how quickly my feelings on the subject can change. Earlier this week I was feeling my guilt/embarrassment over Keira, but that still didn’t stop me from ordering stuff online. As much as I still have these feelings and struggle to accept them, I seemed to have accepted that regardless of whether I choose to one day live as a women I will always have this need to express myself in feminine ways. Today I arranged to leave work early in anticipation of my delivery arriving and it was a good job I did as my stuff arrived moment after I got home. I’m really pleased with what I’ve purchased, and this may seem a little naïve but holy shit black mascara is so much better than clear. I mean there is no way in hell I’d get away with wearing black mascara in public the way I do the clear, but the different in my eyelashes is incredible. I also got black nail polish and a matte top coat, and currently have one hand painted black and the other sky blue, both with the matte coat and I’m totally chuffed with how it looks.
Sadly I’m working this weekend and start early tomorrow morning, so the nail polish will have to come off before bed tonight. The good news is that when I finish tomorrow I won’t have to leave my flat until Wednesday and apart from being a hermit for the next few days I’m excited about the prospect of not having to be boy me for a while. For the next few days I get to be Keira from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. I’ve already planned my after work activities for tomorrow and I can’t wait. I’ve had Murakami’s new book, Colourless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage sitting of my dresser for about two weeks now, so tomorrow night will be bath, wine and book, followed by a face mask. I’m genuinely quite excited, 2 o’clock tomorrow can’t come quickly enough.
I was originally going to post today about this short film.
It really helped me put in to perspective some of the negative aspect that come along with being a woman. My basic reaction to watching my film was fuck that, I don’t want to be treated like that way. The film really opened eyes and has changed how I act around women.
Anyway I’ll finish the post with these words. Keira is happy.