Ok so as I write this I have a little over a month until my first appointment with the psychologist and I have to say I’m already beginning to feel a little apprehensive about it. Some of the apprehension stems from my own doubts as to weather or not I’ll be able to accurately explain all the little nuances of how I’m feeling. It also doesn’t help that I hate going to doctors of any kind, but not for the reason you might expect. I always feel like I’m wasting their time, sort of like there’s nothing actually wrong with me and I’m just blowing something out of proportion. I feel like I’m stealing the appointment of someone else who needs it more than I do. Part of me likes to think that I’m got a pretty good grasp on this whole thing (famous last words, I know) and because I don’t really know what I want to happen next I half expect the psychologist to tell me to come back when I figured more stuff out. I know that won’t actually happen, but the thought is still there rattling around in the back of my mind.
I’ve also given thought to bailing on the appointment altogether, it wouldn’t take much to phone up and cancel it. I don’t think I will, but I have been know to be pretty impulsive, so who knows what I might I do. In fact some times I feel like this whole trans thing was sort of on impulse. I basically found out what it meant and was like hey that sounds like me. Some times I feel like I’ve rushed into this whole thing without thinking about it and maybe I’m just using be transgender as a way to justify all the feminine things I like to do.
Anywho at the moment I’m going to keep the appointment and plan just be completely honest with the psychologist (as hard as that might be for me) and hope that he’s able to help me figure stuff out.