I’ve always been the kind of person who has to come to things in their own time. You could tell me something until you’re blue in the face, and I’ll probably know you’re right, yet every time I still need to puzzle through it on my own and reach my own conclusion. In other words I need to discover for myself and in my own way what others already know and have been telling me. I suspect this is one of those times. I haven’t posted anything in the last few weeks, that in part has been because there has been nothing I’ve wanted to blog about and part because I’ve been in a bit of slump, feeling a bit lethargic with a side of apathetic.
Now what I’m about to write is something which I’m sure many of the trans-peeps in here will have felt before and that’s primarily: that I do not want this life. I don’t want to have to come out to friends and family. I don’t want to venture outside for the first time as a girl and be faced with gawking onlookers and abusive comments. I don’t want to be the person that stands out. The one that is gossip by the water cooler. That’s not what I want my future to be.
I’ve still been doing my normal stuff, still dressing as a girl when I can and wearing mascara and nail polish, but it’s lost the excitement, the novelty… if novelty’s the correct word. It use to please me so much when I’d wake in the morning and remember that my toenails were painted, I’d stare at my feet in a half giddy wonder; but recently I’ve became indifferent to it. It’s became the norm and I can’t decide if this is good thing or bad. I enjoyed how it used to make me feel, but on the other hand (or foot as the case may be) maybe it’s a good thing that it just feels normal now. Isn’t that how it should be?
Tonight I had a few hours alone in my flat and decided to paint my fingernails, I got one hand done before I stopped and removed it. It looked terrible on me, it looked stupid. So I took it off and it lead me to a though I’ve been having a lot lately and that’s that I don’t want to transition. I don’t want that difficult emotional life. I think I’ll be able to handle just doing what I have been doing in private. (This is the part where other trans-folk who have already started transitioning are saying; “yeah I use to think that too”, but I’ll refer you to the first paragraph of this post) So yeah I had pretty much decided that I didn’t want to transition, then I see a picture of a pretty girl or other MTF’s that can pass, and it hits me all over again. The though that I wish I could be like them, I wish I could just be a girl but I honestly don’t think I have what it takes. I’m not a tough enough person.
So I’ll leave all with that as basically become what I feel is like my mantra on this blog – I’m just so confused.
Oh good-golly are me and this therapist going to have so much to talk about.