Ok, so it’s the first day of my weekend/next few days of having the flat to myself and I have to say it feels really good. For the first time in ages I’ve been able to go full girl-mode and I can only describe my mood as content and comfortable. I feel genuinely happy for the first time in several weeks. All this is quite a change from a few hours ago, and all it took was some beauty products, skinny jeans, a pink tank top and (cough, cough a bra stuffed with toilet roll). I’ve mentioned before about how I was contemplating cancelling my psychologist appointment (which coincidentally is the same day as the vote on Scottish Independence (Vote Yes!)) and how I’ve been having doubts as to whether or not I want to live my life as a woman. I had even planned to post on a different topic today about a short film I recently watched – but I’ll get to that in a bit. The way I’m feeling right now has only reaffirmed my need to see the psychologist, the thought that wouldn’t it be nice if this could just be me all the time? The thought feels like one of those daydreams of your future that you don’t really expect to happen. I still have all my other apprehensions, but for the moment I’m enjoying the daydream.
I guess it’s a little weird just how quickly my feelings on the subject can change. Earlier this week I was feeling my guilt/embarrassment over Keira, but that still didn’t stop me from ordering stuff online. As much as I still have these feelings and struggle to accept them, I seemed to have accepted that regardless of whether I choose to one day live as a women I will always have this need to express myself in feminine ways. Today I arranged to leave work early in anticipation of my delivery arriving and it was a good job I did as my stuff arrived moment after I got home. I’m really pleased with what I’ve purchased, and this may seem a little naïve but holy shit black mascara is so much better than clear. I mean there is no way in hell I’d get away with wearing black mascara in public the way I do the clear, but the different in my eyelashes is incredible. I also got black nail polish and a matte top coat, and currently have one hand painted black and the other sky blue, both with the matte coat and I’m totally chuffed with how it looks.
Sadly I’m working this weekend and start early tomorrow morning, so the nail polish will have to come off before bed tonight. The good news is that when I finish tomorrow I won’t have to leave my flat until Wednesday and apart from being a hermit for the next few days I’m excited about the prospect of not having to be boy me for a while. For the next few days I get to be Keira from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. I’ve already planned my after work activities for tomorrow and I can’t wait. I’ve had Murakami’s new book, Colourless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage sitting of my dresser for about two weeks now, so tomorrow night will be bath, wine and book, followed by a face mask. I’m genuinely quite excited, 2 o’clock tomorrow can’t come quickly enough.
I was originally going to post today about this short film.
It really helped me put in to perspective some of the negative aspect that come along with being a woman. My basic reaction to watching my film was fuck that, I don’t want to be treated like that way. The film really opened eyes and has changed how I act around women.
Anyway I’ll finish the post with these words. Keira is happy.
Ok so as I write this I have a little over a month until my first appointment with the psychologist and I have to say I’m already beginning to feel a little apprehensive about it. Some of the apprehension stems from my own doubts as to weather or not I’ll be able to accurately explain all the little nuances of how I’m feeling. It also doesn’t help that I hate going to doctors of any kind, but not for the reason you might expect. I always feel like I’m wasting their time, sort of like there’s nothing actually wrong with me and I’m just blowing something out of proportion. I feel like I’m stealing the appointment of someone else who needs it more than I do. Part of me likes to think that I’m got a pretty good grasp on this whole thing (famous last words, I know) and because I don’t really know what I want to happen next I half expect the psychologist to tell me to come back when I figured more stuff out. I know that won’t actually happen, but the thought is still there rattling around in the back of my mind.
I’ve also given thought to bailing on the appointment altogether, it wouldn’t take much to phone up and cancel it. I don’t think I will, but I have been know to be pretty impulsive, so who knows what I might I do. In fact some times I feel like this whole trans thing was sort of on impulse. I basically found out what it meant and was like hey that sounds like me. Some times I feel like I’ve rushed into this whole thing without thinking about it and maybe I’m just using be transgender as a way to justify all the feminine things I like to do.
Anywho at the moment I’m going to keep the appointment and plan just be completely honest with the psychologist (as hard as that might be for me) and hope that he’s able to help me figure stuff out.
I went and got a twitter account, so if you’re that way inclined feel free to follow me @callmekeira88. I’ll be tweeting about fascinating topics such as the weather and what I had for lunch. Examples include “looks like rain, best take a coat” and “I could totally go a burger right now”. It’s really not to be missed.
I really got it as way to say/get trans related stuff of my chest. Stuff that doesn’t really merit a blog post. I’ll probably also tweet about what would be considered stereotypical girl stuff that I don’t feel comfortable saying in boy mode. Like all social media it’s basically just a way for me to express myself. Who knows how much I’ll use it or even if it’ll be interesting to anyone other than me.
So if any of you who already follow my blog and have a twitter of your own are interested, give me a follow and I’ll follow back. I’m totally up for hearing what you have to say.
Lately I haven’t been able to spend a great amount of time in girl mode as my flatmate has been at the flat most of the time. For the last year I have been somewhat lucky with the amount of time I’ve had to myself, this has mainly resulted from my flat mate spending his weekends with his girlfriend (she lives in a different city). Sadly I expect that this year will be different, as my flat mates girlfriend has changed jobs and will probably spend more time staying with us. Which will be nice and all, ‘cause she’s a really nice person and we get along pretty well. It just means that for the foreseeable future I’ll be limited to stealing a few hours in girl mode here and there as apposed to having the whole weekend to myself that I’ve became accustomed too. I’m going to miss the weekends as at the moment when all I have is a few hours; I’m always sort of like what’s the point? I’m only going to have to change back in a couple hours anyway. Is there really any point painting my nails, yada, yada, yada, you get the gist. I mean girl mode always wins out because well I guess I need it/want it too much for it not to.
Not me or my photo – very much stolen from google. (loving the little Creeper on the pinky)
I guess I’m just going to miss my weekends. It was the little things that made them special for me; you know silly stuff like playing xbox with my nails painted or curling up on the sofa with good book and a glass of wine while wearing the clothes I want to wear. Washing a lip-gloss smudge from a glass and knowing that it was mine. Just stupid everyday stuff, that for some reason seemed more fulfilling in girl mode. Anywho I hope this doesn’t read too much like a moan-y down in the dumps post, cause I don’t mean for it to. Yeah the situation isn’t ideal, but it’s the one I’m rocking at the moment and I’m ok with that. It is what it is and it won’t be forever.
There are changes that I never expected to find and this is such a small thing it’s crazy that I’m blogging about it at all. My fingernails are longer than they’ve ever been before, (which isn’t to say they’re even long at all) and it makes writing with a pen/pencil different. Maybe I’ve just always held a pen like a weirdo, but nails kinda get in the way. I dunno I just never expected having nails to effect the way I write. The thumb nail presses against my index finger… That never use to happen. Strangely it makes my writing slower and messier.
What I’d like to wear today today but first a little background. So it’s a warm but rainy day in good old Scotland and I have a teeny tiny bit of a hangover. Which frankly is quite surprising considering I only had like three bottles of beer over a 5 hour period. Just goes to show that I’m a rare breed of Irish who can in fact not handle their drink. Anywho had I the choice/opportunity/money this is what I would be enjoying my handover and shitty TV shows in. Probably going to order takeaway tonight, one last little treat before I go back to work tomorrow.
Checked Cotton Shirt
I wouldn’t be wearing the shirt buttoned up the entire way. May or may-not have it tucked in. That’s the kind of thing I would need to decide when wearing it.
Stretch Trousers High Waist Front
Stretch Trousers High Waist Back
Converse Ctas Tri Zip Navy Sparkle Wash Side View
Converse Ctas Tri Zip Navy Sparkle Wash Back
It’s the back of these Converse that made me fall in love with them.
East End Purple
I’m in a blogging mood today so I thought it might be fun to create a small wish list of some of the things I would buy if money wasn’t an issue and you know I had the body to pull them off. Thought it might also be fun to show how my style in clothing is developing, turns out I like dresses and shoes… that probably isn’t that big a surprise.
Black Butterfly Floral 50S 60S Rockabilly Vintage Swing Prom Dress
CEXI COUTURE NEW LADIES WOMENS WET LOOK BOW FRONT PEPLUM SHORT SKATER DRESS
Spiral – Women – URBAN FASHION – 2in1 Red Ripped Top
LACEY DAYS SHOE
KRISP Ladies Womens Camouflage Print Plain Army Military Cargo Combat Skinny Slim Fit Stretch Jeans Trousers Pants
It’s a bit of a hodge podge selection of items that don’t really come together to form a whole outfit. Anywho, seems I might be a bit of a punk girl who likes dresses.
HI all, I thought it might be fun to show all the new header photos compared against the old ones. Most of the old photos have a filter put on them, at the time with the original theme of the site it looked alright. For the new theme I’ve favoured a more natural look.
The original idea for the photos (and still one in which I’m trying to maintain) is to show the two different sides of me, guy me and girl me. I also wanted to imbue the photos with a bit of my interests and personality.
A part from just retaking the old photos I’ve also added in some completely new ones. Have a gander.
Apart from last nights 4AM post you may have noticed that I haven’t been particularly active. This post aims to fill in the blanks, but I’ve barely started typing and I can already telling that I’m in a rambling sort of mood. So who knows I may or may not get to it. The title pertains to what I’ve been up to and where I’ve been mentally, it’s a double entendre ‘cause I’m clever like that.
There have been definite highs and lows the last month or so. I may have mentioned before that I get periodic bouts of depression, sadly the last months was spent in one of those, happily I’m on my way out of it. My month wasn’t all doom and gloom however; I’ve been doing extensive research for my novel. My novel is going to be influenced by Irish mythology, so I’ve been reading a lot about that. Which has been a tad laborious at times, as a lot of the myths have been translated from ogham so prose isn’t always the most gripping. Turns out my Irish isn’t quite as good as I thought it was, so that’s been slowing me down a fair bit when I’m reading as well. Overall it’s been good I’m enjoying it. Plus it’s crazy how well a lot of the characters in the myths slot into the story I had planned. So yeah overall that’s been fun, I’m excited about my writing again.
I covered this in part last night, but I’ve also been having serious doubts weather or not I want to transition. I’m basically thinking that I don’t want to; I’m just going to keep it to what I have been doing. You can read more about it here. Basically it’s something that has been on my mind a lot the past month.
You may also have noticed I’ve made a few changes to site, I think I’ve finally found a theme I’m happy with. I’ve also started updating the header photos, as when I first made the site I took the photos on my phone and the quality wasn’t the greatest. Now I’m retaking them all on my digital camera. I hope to have them all retaken by tomorrow afternoon.
Until next time, however long that should be, peach out.