Conflicted

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’m shit scared about the prospect of transitioning. The thought of have to come out and live that life absolutely terrifies me. Yet at the same time I feel an overwhelming sense of urgency, that it’s something I need to start doing sooner rather than later. While I know that you can and many do begin transitioning later in life, I would rather do while I’m still relatively young, mainly because I want to be able to enjoy it. I want to be able to all the things that are socially acceptable for a young woman to do. Ideally I thing I’d like to have started transitioning by the time I’m 30, which gives me four years. That may seem like a long time off, but many will know that these things can creep up faster than you expect. I know I’m past the age range when transitioning young can have a greater impact on your body with development and so on, but for some reason I still have it in my head that the sooner I do it the better/more effective it will be. It’s a weird kind of conflict, part of me doesn’t want to do it at all and the other part is upset that I didn’t figure all this out earlier, like I’m running behind and trying to play catch up. I think basically it comes back to my childhood thing of wishing I was born a girl, wishing I could wake up in the morning the opposite sex. I want to skip to the finish line without having to go through all the work, the stress and the general hard times. But hey life is found in the journey, not at the destination. Whatever way this all turns out, I expect to be a profoundly different person by the time my 30th rolls round.

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6 thoughts on “Conflicted

  1. How fast or slow changes by HRT would happen looks like you’re entering the genes lottery ..
    Everyone is totally different than the other .. what’s fast for me may go slow for others and vice versa, what goes fast for others doens’t seem to go as fast for me .. I’m sure you already know all this ..

    The only thing I can think of, is just take it easy, there’s no need to rush, there’s lots to process one thing at a time, you have long eventful beautiful life ahead of you .. You have a golden chance; you started/about to start with a therapist .. Take your time .. work with your therapist with all your senses, heart and mind .. don’t trouble your mind and emotions with everything at once ..

    Embrace yourself, who you are, one step at a time, experiment with everything, looks how you’d feel (not just physical sensations, but also what your heart tells you), one small change at a time, you’ll find yourself a much more accepting person .. and the more you embrace yourself the more you’ll feel comfortable coming out ..

    This is just me thinking out loud, because i feel i’ve been in your shoes one day, and i actually feel you .. I don’t mean to be rude or the kind of person that would give advise without being asked, but i really don’t wish to see others suffer what i’ve already gone through .. That’s what online communities are for ..

    Wishing you best of luck Keira from the bottom of my heart ..

  2. Keira, I’m not going to tell you what to do but I would suggest that you might want to set your goal much much sooner than four years. It may take four years but only if you set your goal at least two years and perhaps even one in the beginning. I set mine for 6 months then a year and when all was said and done I had my GRS exactly two years from the day I began HRT. Fate has a way of stepping in when you least expect it as long as you keep the dream passionately alive in your heart and are going full out as if your life depended on it, which it did for me. Believe me when I say that your guiding star is out there and you will reach for it only when you believe in yourself. All the best!

    • I said 4 years as a realistic goal for when I would be out and living full-time as a girl and on HRT. I understand that it can take a while for all these things to happen. Truth be told I still not sure it’s even what I want, sort of feel like I’m in limbo until I meet with the therapist in September.

      Thanks for the advice though.

      • Hopefully your therapist will help you determine whether this journey is what u want or not…. and if it is, I’d be very surprised if 4 years is still your timeline after a few sessions with her/him!

  3. You’re definitely right about time sneaking up on you, especially during transitory periods in your life. Except when you’re waiting for things. The week before I started hrt was the longest week of my life.

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