A Shitty Change

It’s only been a few weeks since I’ve began embracing my transgender-ness and one of things I’ve been doing is dressing as a girl every opportunity I have. My flat mate was working tonight from 5:30-10:00 so I got to dress as a girl for several hours. I’ve just had to change back into my guy stuff for him finishing, and to be honest I didn’t want too. It’s made me feel quite low and a bit agitated. I’m hoping it’s because I didn’t sleep well last night and have been up from 5:30 AM, that it’s only because I’m tired that I’m feeling so shitty. Kind of feel like I want to cry, which is crazy. It seems silly that it didn’t occur to me that because I’ve been going girl so often lately that it would have a negative effect when I had to change back to boy. I really didn’t expect that it would feel so natural so quickly, how much more comfortable it would become for me, the next few days are going to be tuff, I don’t think I’m going to get a chance to go girl until Thursday. I really can’t think how to accurately describe how horrible I feel right now. It’s like uncomfortable, but more than that, it’s like there is something churning inside me that won’t let me relax. All I did was change clothes.

It’s starting to scare me how real all this is getting, I’m aware of how I’m feeling like now, yet for some reason a part of me still can’t accept that I’m a girl. I think it might be fear or apprehension of what it means, what I would have to do, and what my life would be like. I’m genuinely in awe of all you out there who have been able to come out and tell friends and family. I can’t comprehend the strength you have and the strength it must have took. You amaze me, the thought of doing it makes me feel light headed almost to the point of passing out.

Anyway this post became a bit of a nonsensical ramble, sorry about that. I’ll try and post something a bit more thought out in the morning. I just wanted to get what I was feeling of my chest and this is the only place I can do that at the moment.

K-

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8 thoughts on “A Shitty Change

  1. I know this is coming from a complete stranger but I think that you should just do what you feel. You are an inspiration to a lot of other people out there. πŸ™‚ Just remind yourself that you are awesome and you can get through anything.

  2. Hey Keira, don’t be so hard on yourself .. From my own personal experience, what you’re experiencing is your inner female is stepping up, finally having the chance to breath fresh air after a life time of being locked away, and believe me it won’t ease up, it will only get stronger by the day ..

    As for coming out, for me it’s not brave, it’s just i couldn’t hold it anymore, secret cross dressing was never my answer, looking everyday in the mirror, looking at my body, how i have to police my every move so I wouldn’t be seen as “gay”, all this lead to a tipping point where i couldn’t take it anymore ..

    Coming out was not a choice, it was inevitable, and at some point in time you may feel the same too, and it will happen just naturally ..

    what you once called withdrawal is true ..
    I had pretty much the same feeling when i had to trim my nails they don’t give me away at work ..

    So, I have some ideas (from my humble experience) that might just help you ease this withdrawal impact ..

    – Get some ladies underwear that match your body size fine, lycra hot shorts, sports bras, bikini-style panties, all can go under your day to day clothing and will give you some ease and comfort when you’re out ..
    – Buy tights, think ones which you can wear instead of your usual socks ..
    – You already wear transparent mascara, try filing your finger nails as well and keeping them relatively long and sexy, put on some nail shield (transparent colorless polish) .. You’ll feel like freaking out and so scared for the 1st few hours your step out of home, but as you move on in life it will be just natural ..
    – Wear your preferred pyjamas to bed, for me that always made me feel like a million bucks ..
    – Shave your legs regularly, and take a shower right after, and look at how the water just flows so smoothly on the skin, it will leave you feeling AWESOME ..
    – Stop policing your moves at work, and don’t care about what others may think, after all it’s your life, and you can’t just imprison yourself in fear .. Let it out .. One day coming out will be just the next natural logical thing to do ..

    I know i might be just talking to much, but this looks like an HRT thing, i was never the talky chatty kindda person, but this has been gradually changing since i started HRT πŸ˜€ .. So I’m sorry for the lengthy reply ..
    I’m really wishing best of luck Keira, I really wish you find your inner-self .. πŸ™‚

    • Nothing to be sorry about, thank you for the reply. I think underwear will be the next thing I buy come my next pay cheque. I already file my nails but I don’t keep them that long as I’m paranoid people would notice, or as you say freaking out. The same goes for clear nail polish, I often have my toenails painted, I just don’t at the minute in order to give them a bit of a breather. Shaving my body hair isn’t really an option for me at the moment, as my flat mate would notice and it would raise too many questions. I’ve already stopped policing my moves for the most part, so far no one has seemed to noticed. Or if they have they haven’t said.

      I agree with what you said about my inner female getting stronger, and I have sort of excepted that I’m racing down a road with an inevitable destination and that’s coming out and telling people. It still frightens me though.

      But again, thank you for the reply, it means a lot. X

  3. I think it’s entirely normal to feel bad when you have to revert to maleness. I certainly feel it. Every time when reverting back I look at my femaleness in the mirror and say a sad “goodbye” before starting to change back. Coming out is a frightening thought, but at the same time an exciting thought, with the freedom it could bring. I am only

    • (oops, accidentally hit “post”) I am only out to 2 people, my wife and 1 friend, plus my trans friends who don’t know me as anything other than Kirsty. Coming out to everyone is a much bigger thing. I think it will happen eventually, and I suspect it will happen for you too. We are who we are, and in the long run we aren’t doing anyone any favours pretending otherwise,

  4. Thank you for following my blog, and your is enlightening for me to read. I have unwisely repressed this side of me for decades (in fact, probably just the whole of me… the male “me” being a sad facsimile I have just kept up out of social duty / fear). Now coming to terms with it, part of me just wants to flick a switch to make it go away, but no such switch exists and the hunt for it is more of a pipe dream than the steps necessary to truly deal with what we face, challenging though those are. I hope you and I will both find the strength to persevere, and I look forward to hearing of your progress.

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