It’s only been a few weeks since I’ve began embracing my transgender-ness and one of things I’ve been doing is dressing as a girl every opportunity I have. My flat mate was working tonight from 5:30-10:00 so I got to dress as a girl for several hours. I’ve just had to change back into my guy stuff for him finishing, and to be honest I didn’t want too. It’s made me feel quite low and a bit agitated. I’m hoping it’s because I didn’t sleep well last night and have been up from 5:30 AM, that it’s only because I’m tired that I’m feeling so shitty. Kind of feel like I want to cry, which is crazy. It seems silly that it didn’t occur to me that because I’ve been going girl so often lately that it would have a negative effect when I had to change back to boy. I really didn’t expect that it would feel so natural so quickly, how much more comfortable it would become for me, the next few days are going to be tuff, I don’t think I’m going to get a chance to go girl until Thursday. I really can’t think how to accurately describe how horrible I feel right now. It’s like uncomfortable, but more than that, it’s like there is something churning inside me that won’t let me relax. All I did was change clothes.
It’s starting to scare me how real all this is getting, I’m aware of how I’m feeling like now, yet for some reason a part of me still can’t accept that I’m a girl. I think it might be fear or apprehension of what it means, what I would have to do, and what my life would be like. I’m genuinely in awe of all you out there who have been able to come out and tell friends and family. I can’t comprehend the strength you have and the strength it must have took. You amaze me, the thought of doing it makes me feel light headed almost to the point of passing out.
Anyway this post became a bit of a nonsensical ramble, sorry about that. I’ll try and post something a bit more thought out in the morning. I just wanted to get what I was feeling of my chest and this is the only place I can do that at the moment.