So my first two deliveries arrived today and I’m pretty happy with most of the stuff I purchased. Except for one yellow jumper. When ordering it I didn’t realise that it had this weird necklace thing around the collar. Turns out it’s a bit of an old lady jumper… think I might have the fashion sense of an old lady. Well old lady might be a bit harsh, but I’m pretty sure it’s something my mother would wear. Meh I’ll figure it out, this is all still pretty new to me, my style is still developing. I’m happy with the rest of it though and I can return the jumper so it not really that big of a deal. I also got some new makeup as well. I’ve now got eyeliner and eye shadow, the eye shadow I can (in my opinion) put on ok. Well at least I’m happy with the results, the eyeliner on the other hand… I’m finding tricky, basically I’m blind without my glasses and my hands are nowhere near steady enough to get the affect I want. I’m hoping practice will make perfect. All that’s let to come is a pink vest, which should arrive tomorrow, and pair of Rocket Dog boot (which I’m really looking forward too) on Wednesday. It’s silly how excited I get thinking about it, and agonising it is to wait for the deliveryman show up.
Q:What goals do you have?
A: So very many. There are absolutely loads of things I want to do with my life, for the sake of this blog I should probably limit my reply to ones related to being trans, but I’m not going to. From April until recently I’ve sort of been at a standstill regarding what I want to do with my life. The problem wasn’t that I didn’t know what I wanted to do per say, but rather that there were so many different things I wanted to do, and they all took me in different directions. Did I really want to do an MLitt? Come the end of April I was that frazzled after a dissertation on the Representations of Text in Ergodic Literature and a research essay on Post-Structuralism that I honestly thought I was done with higher education forever. Turns out I wasn’t as I’ve actually ended up applying for an MLitt, I figured I’ve got another year in me. I’ve also said before how I would one day like to run my own TV show, but I’d also like to write a novel, I even contemplated trying to open my own comic book store.
I have other silly dreams and ambitions, like one day winning a BAFTA, I also really want to go to Comic Com in Santiago, but not as member of the public, (not that that wouldn’t be awesome) but as a member of a panel, again preferably of my own TV show. I also sort of run a small production company at the moment, which I’d like to take further.
As far as goals in relation to living fulltime as Keira go, I’m still not sure that’s even 100% what I want. At the moment I’m just waiting to see what happens after my first counselling section. I think ultimately I’ll be happy if I can come to a lasting peace with who I am, be that a cross dresser or as a girl. I guess my main goal is just to understand who I am better.
Can you tell that I’m quite indecisive?
Q: Do you feel comfortable answering questions about being trans if say your teacher/friend/stranger asked you?
A: Certainly, to a certain extent. I’d be more than happy to talk about my own experiences. I would answer what I could about personal stuff, but I wouldn’t pretend to be an expert on all things trans. Mainly because I’m not. I imagine I’m going to have to start having these types of conversations with people pretty soon. Gulp* When I do, I’ll answer as honestly and as frankly as I can.
I’m one of those lucky few who can basically write with anything, on anything, anywhere, just as long as I’m feeling inspired. Many a time have I tapped out a few thousand words on my iPhone while stuck behind a cash register at work. The only thing about work writing is that having to stop and start tents to interrupt my flow.
If given the choice I will always write at the kitchen table, if I have my flat to myself.
Q: Doctor visits
A: So far I’ve only had the one, (in relation to be trans, I’ve been to the doctors before that obvs) and that was to get my referral to the psychologist. I’m pleased to say that yesterday I finally got a letter through the door telling when the appointment was for. It’s not until mid September, which is quite a while away. I had expected that the appointment, when it arrived would be for several months in the future, but what had me worried was that it was taking so long for me to receive the date for the appointment. My paranoia had started to kick in and I thought I was going to have to get in contact with my GP just to make sure she had sent the referral or not lost my details or anything. This is all starting to feel pretty real for me, like getting to transition has gone from being a happy little fantasy to a potential reality. I’m currently a weird mixture of nervous energy, excitement and happiness. Any-who it’s still early days yet, all I can do is wait and see what September brings.
Side note: One thing that did cause me to pause was that the letter said medical students could be present at the appointment. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem for me, but I happen to know a few medical students, specifically mental health nurses and I don’t want to take the chance that I’ll walk into the room and someone I know will there. Mainly because I want to be able to determine how and when my friends find out; and I absolutely do not want it to be like that. It wouldn’t be fair on them or me, luckily the letter does state that I phone before hand and request that none be present. Think I’m going to do that.
Q: Who is your favorite LGBT actor/musician/director/artist etc and why?
A: For this question I have two different people who have stuck out in my mind. The first is Alan Turing, who I’m sure many people will know was among other things an instrumental code breaker during WWII. This however, is only one of his many achievements.
- He designed the programming of the world’s first commercial computer – Whilst at the University of Manchester, Alan Turing designed the programming system of the Ferranti Mark 1, the world’s first commercially available electronic digital computer.
- He is the father of Artificial Intelligence – Turing is generally regarded as the pioneer of Artificial Intelligence. He believed that computers would be able to learn and devised the Turing Test, which would text whether a computer was really intelligent. No computer has passed the test, as yet, Not unless you count Eugene, but that’s up for debate).
- Alan was awarded an OBE for his wartime services – He was awarded the OBE in 1945 for services to the country in wartime, despite the fact that most of what he did would not be made public for another 30 years.
- He was the inventor of the Turing Machine – In 1935, Turing invented a device that is now referred to as the Turing Machine. To this day, all stored programme digital computers are modeled on this invention.
- He was integral to the building of The Bombe. – Although Polish scientists had previously invented a device known as a ‘Bomba’, Turing took their early versions and developed it into an electro-mechanical machine which greatly helped in the breaking of the Enigma code used by the German forces.
- His work enabled the Enigma to be decoded – By early 1942, the team at Bletchley Park were decoding up to 39,000 Enigma messages a month. Eventually this number rose to 84,000 or about two messages decoded every minute.
- Alan Turing’s war work is believed to have shortened the war – Many people, including Winston Churchill, claimed that Turing’s work shortened the Second World War by at least two years.
- Alan was a member of the team that decoded the ‘Fish’ cipher – The ‘Fish’ cipher was used towards the end of the war by the German High Command to transmit messages between Hitler and senior officers in the field.
In 1952 Turing was convicted under Section 11 of the Criminal Law Amendment Act 1885, where he pled guilty to acts of homosexuality, (though it is reported that he felt no guilt or shame regarding his actions (and rightly so)). The judge gave him the choice between imprisonment and probation, he chose probation and was required to take estrogen injections to reduce his libido and make him infertile. Which, in my opinion, unless you’re a male to female transsexual is a horrendously barbaric thing to do to anyone let alone someone who had done so much for his country and the world.
Two years after his conviction Turing would be found dead by his cleaner. It was later revealed that the cause of his death was cyanide poisoning. There are different theories as regards to the motive of his death; it was ruled as a suicide, but others believe that it was accidental.
In September 2009, then Prime Minster Gordon Brown released an official statement apologizing for how Turing had been treated. A portion of which reads ‘thousands of people have come together to demand justice for Alan Turing and recognition of the appalling way he was treated. While Turing was dealt with under the law of the time and we can’t put the clock back, his treatment was of course utterly unfair and I am pleased to have the chance to say how deeply sorry I and we all are for what happened to him … So on behalf of the British government, and all those who live freely thanks to Alan’s work I am very proud to say: we’re sorry, you deserved so much better.’
In December 2013 Queen Elizibeth II signed an official pardon for Turing’s conviction.
The second is a person who I have only recently came to know off, is the American sports journalist Mike Penner/Christine Daniels. I became aware of Daniels when I came across an LA Weekly article detailing her coming out, transition and ultimate death. For me the story is an utterly fascinating, albeit a tragic one. My interest in the story can’t be said to be purely innocent, for as I have said before I wish to be a show runner; and the writer side of me kicked in when I read the article (which I recommend everyone do) and realized that her life would make a fantastic television show. Seriously, if by some random happen-stance anyone from HBO reads this post, get in touch we need to talk. I have a show that is begging to be made. Out of respect my show would only use Daniels life as inspiration, but I do think it’s a story that needs to be told, and hey who knows maybe it could do some good, broaden a few minds and what-not.
Q: What stereotypes are put on trans people?
A: Well I guess that in my case, (male to female) it’s that transsexuals and drag queens are lumped together, that for the vast majority of people when they think of a trans-girl they automatically envision a butch looking man in high heels and fishnet tights. I would assume for female to male, that most would just expect to see a butch lesbian. Again for people who are transitioning I imagine people wouldn’t see them as the gender they identify with, but rather their biological one and assume that they’re gay and just overly feminine/masculine.
I expect most people not to understand it, and to a certain extent treat individuals who fall under the transgender umbrella in the same way homosexuality once was. That is to say, that it’s a choice, they’re just confused, or in need of therapy.
So I was working this evening and Kylie’s Love at First Sight came on the radio and I suddenly remembered that when it first came out in 2002, (which would have made me around the age of 14) every time I saw the music video I couldn’t help but think how much I liked her shoes.
They don’t really appear in the video all that much, but hey I guess it means something that i noticed at the age and still remembered after 12 years (they’re bright yellow cortes) I also just realise after watching the video again about 5 minutes ago that Kylie may have really influenced my taste in clothing. As what she’s wearing the video is very similar to clothes I’m wanting to buy this weekend or things I already own. Any-who I guess I could have subconsciously picked someone worse than Kylie to emulate style-wise.
I always feel really harsh when I say stuff like this, because I genuinely do enjoy living with my flatmate. As I’ve said before he’s my best friend, but he’s going away for a week on holiday with his girlfriend starting Monday and I’m quite excited as I’ll get a whole week in the flat by myself, to do and dress as I want. I was also lucky enough to receive some money from family members for graduating and I’ve decided to use some of it to treat myself to new clothes. Which brings me to the title of the post. Why Amazon Prime and Next Day Delivery are a God Send. I won’t be hitting the order button until Saturday/Sunday which means they’ll arrive Monday, when my flatmate will be away, letting me avoid the normally innocent question of “oh what did you buy”, as any answer would probably result it, “let us see”.
I may have gotten a bit ahead of myself and already added all the stuff I want to the basket, what can I say I’m excited and it is very temping to hit the order button now. I just keep telling myself to wait and that there’s no point doing it now, I wouldn’t be able to try the clothes on until Monday anyway. Plus I know it would be 100 times worse to have them in my wardrobe and not be able to wear them, than waiting to hit order.
I’m also quite enjoying seeing how my fashion sense changes between if I’m buying for guy me or girl me. Turns out it’s surprising similar, but what’s fun to notice is that I’m not as fussy when shopping as a girl (stereotypically you’d assume it would be the other way round). I think it’s because (and I’ve only just realised this) when previously shopping for guys’ clothes I’d tend to like what could be considered more typically feminine styles. For instance I’ve a long cardigan from Top Man that I love and wear all the time, and when browsing for girl clothes I’m came across quite a few similar looking ones in the woman’s section.
Randomly, and this is off topic, I think in general I have quite feminine mannerisms, the way I stand and whatnot. My default for sitting is with my legs crossed, this is something I’ve always since I was a child, but always subconsciously told myself nope, not how a guy sits. Now I just let myself do it. These are all very small things and just stuff I’ve been noticing since beginning to embrace my trans identity.
Any-who I just wanted to make a quick post saying why next day delivery is the bee’s-knee for an in the closet trans-girl.
Q: Do you feel being trans holds you back from your career choice?
A: No, if anything I think it’ll probably help it. Basically my dream job is to be a show runner on a show I created (or Doctor Who, I desperately want Steven Moffat’s job, I have such big plans for that show) and to be a novelist. I think being trans would absolutely help me sell books and the idealist in me wants to believe that it wouldn’t be a problem for working in television.
At the moment while I put myself though university I work in a grocery store and while I don’t thing my employers would have a problem with my being trans I can imagine having to put up with a lot of crap from small minded customers. Something I’m pretty sure I would struggle with, for as it stands I already have a hard bitting my thong around them. I shudder to think what I might say or do if I felt I was being verbally attacked.