Yesterday I went shopping with a good friend of mine who happens to be a girl. I tried to imagine what it would be like doing it dressed as Keira. What it would be like if I were to walk to around the stores dressed as a girl. The answer was awkwardness and embarrassment. I tried to imagine what it would be like if I were to go to the checkout with a pair of shoes or a pair of jeans; all I could vision was that the girl at the checkout would judge me or look down on me for not being a ‘real’ girl. Rationally I expect it would never be as bad as that, or even if it was why should I care? I guess I do, because when I comes down to it this isn’t a rational experience, it an emotional one.
It wasn’t all doom and gloom though; I got involved with my friend on her hunt for shoes, commenting on sizes and subtly suggesting ones for her that I’d actually quite like to own myself, and all while getting to look at the pretty clothes. In the past I’ve always had thoughts and comments on topics like fashion that are generally associated with the female sex. I’ve always stopped myself from saying anything; this has been out of fear of being seen as un-masculine. (My masculine personal is that on someone who doesn’t care about what they wear.) I’ve decided I’m going to stop doing this, if I like a friends dress, shoes or the jaunty new pop number from Katy Perry, I’m going to say. For while I can’t decide if I’m a transsexual, I can become a more feminine male, and maybe by doing this I’ll hopefully come to an answer, maybe even understand myself a bit better. This is something I feel quite positive about.
My desire to dress and do ‘girly’ things is becoming more prominent. It’s beginning to feel like a compulsion or an addiction. I find myself more and more often wishing my flatmate would be at work or would go home to his parents for the weekend just so I can have the flat to myself if only for a few hours. I have such a strong desire right now to paint my nails and put on a facemask, it’s insane. I had planned on doing it this Thursday past, but my flatmate returned from his camping trip early. During these times when I can’t express myself as a girl it feels like there is this dull ach in my stomach, this pit of longing that nothing short of giving in will settle.
At this very moment I really feel like I need someone to talk too, and I’m not ready to tell my friends about how I’m feeling. Though I know who I’m going to tell first if I ever do decide to tell anyone. On Monday I’ll make an appointment with the GP. Whatever it is that I’m actually feeling, it’s becoming clear to me that I’m going to need help working it out. Hopefully gender counselling is the way to do that. Wish me luck,